Home Ownership: Let the Games Begin

boxheadWell, I am happy to report that after looking at many tourlets, carpeted walls, bedrooms the size of broom closets, and houses I am fairly certain were haunted, we finally found a house.  It was a testament to the human spirit but we did it.

Here are 4 things I learned about the final steps to home ownership:

1. Expect to pay considerably more than you ever imagined possible in closing costs. Deal with the fact that you may need to sell your first born to the gypsies to pay off the debt you have amassed.

The bill came and I think I had a mini stroke. Some of the fees seemed made up and ridiculous. Disbursement fees? Tax on your insurance? Insurance on the insurance of the tax of the insurance?
My head was spining and our bank account was being bled like it was being attacked by a hungry vampire.  I was fairly certain that 2 days before we moved in the lawyer would call and say they found a troll in the shed and we would have to pay a troll removal fee, insurance on the troll removal and tax on the troll removal insurance. Needless to say it was getting a bit overwhelming by the end and I actually just started laughing whenever I got a phone call to tell me about a new expense that had been discovered.

2. Packing up and moving in a 2 week span of signing the final offer on the house can lead to divorce.

We thought it was a great idea to get out of our cesspool of an apartment as soon as humanly possible. With this came a rush for packing, organizing the logistics and giving our landlord notice.  I think the stress is getting to us whether we let on and I find us having the most ridiculous arguments imaginable.  When we went to buy a couch the heated debated that ensued had the salesman eventually slowly backing away from us like we were from a leper colony and telling us he would be back when we figured out what we wanted. What have we become?!?

3. Your landlord does not care if your apartment has become an unlivable slum over the 5 years you have lived there. He is renting that bitch and renting it now.

While in the middle of a mess of boxes and racing against the clock to pack up an apartment in 2 weeks my landlord decided he wanted to show the place as soon as humanly possible. Problem is he didn’t not want to have to come and show it himself. He wanted me to show it to people.  When I told him I was not 100% comfortable with showing random strangers my home when my husband is not there he told me to give my keys to the woman at the “spa” across the street and she would show it. Why yes, giving the woman at the rub and tug from across the street keys to my apartment sounds like a splendid idea. While I am at it I could perhaps offer any stranger off the street a spare set in the event they feeling like grabbing a TV or my dog while we are not home.

4. You have amazing friends and family.

I thought I would end this on an upswing. True friends will never reveal themselves more clearly than when you are moving. People that volunteer are lifers and should be rewarded with lots and lots of pizza and beer.
All and all this has been a learning experience and I will never forget the stress and the anxiety but most importantly the laughs that came with this whole crazy journey.

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