Happy Birthday Jesus, I hope you like crap.

When it comes to Christmas I am more interested in the dinners and the After Eight sleeve of mints I can take down in record time. However, we have to follow our consumerist culture tradition of wasting hundreds of dollars we don’t have on crap no one really needs. While most of us tend to stay on the less extravagant side of things, should you feel like you have hundreds or even thousands burning a hole in your pocket or you have come into a Kardashian sized fortune that you want to waste like you are Kayne, here are some fantastic gift ideas or items you may just want to buy for yourself to really make your holiday season jolly.

1. The coat that doubles as a rug, $200 (Urban Outfitters)

At a mere $200, this coat that “remains open, so you can really feel the love” will please any Christmas morning gift opener. Perfect to keep warm while building a snowman on a chilly Winter night or going to a fancy holiday party.

polar bear

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Life Size Velociraptor, $2,542.50   (Amazon.com)

You could be the proud owner of this amazing “patio, lawn, and garden” decor if you can carry all 133 lbs of him to the perfect location in your yard.Put a Christmas hat on this handsome gentleman and you are all set to spread some holiday cheer.

raptor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. 6 Foot Abominable Snowman Yeti Statue, $2350 (skymall.com)

If the Christmas hat wearing Velociraptor is not bringing enough Christmas joy to your yard or if you know someone that could use a new friend of the resin statue variety this fella is for you.
He is “life size” (not sure how this was determined) and “hand-painted for abominable realism” (har har) so I really can’t think of a better way for you to spend over $2 Gs this holiday season

snowman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Backyard Beehive,  $449.97  (williams-sonoma.com)

Because giving a gift that keeps on giving is the nectar of life and chicken coups are so last year.

beehive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Swaine Adeney Brigg- Malacca Flask Umbrella, £770.00 (or ~$1350 USD) (swaineadeney.co.uk)

The perfect gift for your friend that lives in Seattle or London and is a complete Christmas drunk. Imagine how classy they will look chugging holiday spirits out their umbrella.

umbrella

 

 

 

 

 

6. Caviar Basket, $749 (zabars.com)

If gift baskets are more your speed how about the most pretentious one possible?  It includes salami, mustard, and sour dough bread. Your loved ones could ring in the new year with the most expensive sandwich ever created and isn’t that what this holiday season is really all about? It also has “Zabar’s cinnamon rugelach,” so fancy I don’t even know what the hell it even means. Worth every penny.

giftbasket

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Giant Gumball Machine, $2,495 (gumballs.com)

Surely there is a wonderful child in your life lacking a giant gumball machine that holds up to 23,000 gumballs. They aren’t kidding by giant, this son of a bitch is 6’10.”
It will surely topple over and cause serious injury but the only thing better than death by chocolate is death by giant gumball machine.

gumball

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Global Falconry Companion, $150,000 (neimanmarcus.com)

The perfect gift for that outdoorsy friend or family member. Complete with Chatwin Chairs, leather perch scale, decanter and cigar carrying case, and even a backgammon board game.  Sadly, however, the “golden perch” is gold plated. Well, that is what you get for cheaping out and getting the lesser $150, 000 version.

falconry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Patience Brewster Joyful Pig with Tree Rider Figurine, $1,229.92 (bloomingdales.com)

Sometimes the best option is to simply get someone on your list some holiday home decor. What better than a christmas tree man riding a pig in a tutu.The best part…are you ready for it?…”tree Rider is removable and may be displayed separately.” I mean it is $1200, it must be a good gift…right? Right!?!

pigfigure

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10.  Treadwheel for Large Dogs, $1,322.95 (amazon.com)

Last, but not least, for those that have a furry friend on their Christmas list or a pet owner that is too lazy to let their dog outside.  Nothing says fun like treating your 120lbs Lab like a hamster.

dogwheel

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